Friday, March 5, 2010

AAZ's attempt at PR = FAIL

If you don't know what I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky. Unlike me, you did not waste 10 minutes of your life reading AAZ's asinine op-ed in the Guardian. I have never seen such shameless self promotion in my life, with the exception of Jimmy Carter's letter to Foreign Policy (at least this guy did something while he was in office). Let me break it down for you:

Clumsy attempt at self promotion #1

AAZ: I  am working with parliament to run a country, not a political campaign. The goal of our democratic government is to implement policies that will dramatically improve the lives of Pakistanis. In time, good policies will become good politics...

...just ignore the fact that I have done nothing for Pakistan so far and will continue to do nothing unless it is in the interest of myself, my son(myself) or my dead wife(myself) I believe that democracy is the best system of government, but only when I can get votes by carrying around the picture of my dead wife.

Clumsy attempt at self promotion #2

AAZ: Just as our people refuse to be terrorised, our government refuses to be derailed from its course of fiscal responsibility, social accountability and financial transparency...

...actually, I am very terrorised, that's why I live in a walled mansion surrounded by 24 hour security. As for fiscal responsibility, social accountability and financial transparency, every Pakistani knows how much money I have stowed away in my Swiss banks accounts. How much more do you want? I draw the line at sharing my password.

Clumsy attempt at self promotion #3

AAZ: The World Bank, the European Union and the US have all applauded our accomplishments. This praise may be little reported, but it's far more important than the chimera of polls...

...because if you go by the polls you will know that everyone hates my guts.

Clumsy attempt at self promotion #4

AAZ: Pakistan's economic resurrection has been the product, primarily, of our own sweat and blood... "our" I mean everyone except me, my son and the 8,000 people on the NRO.

Clumsy attempt at self promotion #5

AAZ: If the community of developed democratic nations had, after our last democratic election, crafted an innovative development plan with the scope and vision of the Marshall Plan that rebuilt Europe after second world war, much greater economic, political and military stability would already have been achieved. Those who found comfort with dictators have resisted change. Pakistan tried it their way – and endured catastrophe. We intend to build a new Pakistan using long-term solutions based on sound fiscal management...

...I'm not very happy with the money you guys have given me so far. Don't be cheap. If Europe can get billions of dollars in aid after WWII, then I should at least get that much. Monsoon season is just around the corner and my mansion leaks like hell.

Clumsy attempt at self promotion #6

AAZ: Some in Pakistan question our international alliances because they disapprove of our allies' actions, such as last month's unilateral US drone attack against militants in Waziristan. We should all understand that concern. But we are fighting for our lives, and Pakistan's policies cannot be based solely on what is popular...

...I'm an Amreeki chamcha and I'm proud of it.

Final attempt at self promotion

AAZ: History has shown the difference between expedient policies and the long-term goals of true statesmen. When the history of our time is written, Pakistan's decisions will be seen as a turning point in containing international terrorism. We are building a functioning society and economy. In the end, these sometimes unpopular steps will create a Pakistan that sucks the oxygen from the fire of terrorism. Those who are counting on Pakistan to back off the fight – militarily and economically – underestimate my country and me...

... just stating the facts. Some might even call me the Winston Churchill of terrorism. If it wasn't for me, you all would be wearing burkas and picking lice out of your beards. Would a Nobel prize be too much to ask for?

Nauseating! That's all I can say.